“Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
A relationship or marriage is considered dysfunctional when patterns of harmful, abusive, or destructive behavior is present. The behavior is also toxic and can occur in cycles, which lead to breakups or in some cases, divorce. Most of our behavior in relationships are learned behaviors from our childhood and we often mimic what we see. As a result, the dysfunctional patterns are carried over into our personal/romantic relationships and if not corrected it can ruin marriages. At some point in our lives, we all may have been in a dysfunctional relationship or marriage; whether knowingly or unknowingly. In the beginning when relationships are new, red flags are often overlooked. But as times goes on, you begin to see patterns of dysfunction manifest itself.
Living in dysfunction is draining and unhealthy and can have you feeling controlled and trapped. Oftentimes, you sit back and think to yourself and wander why do you stay? Is it out of true love or are you just settling due to familiarity or convenience? You convince yourself that you want to see things through to the end…. but at what cost? Who is really winning in this? Or better yet, who is benefitting here? Sometimes you feel like you are just a means to a selfish, self-centered end or just fulfilling a need. Sure, you love each other, but are you really in love? To be honest, some would say that they haven’t felt that way in years. The unhappiness that ways you down, overshadows the memories of what used to be. Feelings of being used and lied to is heartbreaking and can be detrimental, especially if you are married. Over time it feels worse because it becomes normalized. You try to rationalize it, but when it is obvious and blatantly displayed in your face, you cannot deny or ignore it. You find yourself lying to family and friends, pretending that everything is ok, when it isn’t. You keep what you are going through or really feeling, a secret and “suffer in silence” for the relationship or marriage sake.
Addiction adds another layer to dysfunction and dealing with reoccurring addiction, is ten times worse. Oftentimes, it is hidden, and the other person doesn’t discover it until later in the relationship. I experienced it personally. What started out as an occasional drink, turned to drinking on the weekends, then to drinking during the weekdays. I sat in disbelief watching the person I thought I knew, slowly start to fade daily, and began to look like a stranger. I got to a point where I became numb to it. The disappointment I felt; turned to disgust. I didn’t even have the words or better yet, the desire to even address it. Especially when the person was in denial. It was an everyday occurrence and a sad sight to see. Growing up with alcoholism being prevalent in my environment; it felt eerily familiar and disheartening. I never wanted to be in any type of relationship like that. I watched generations before me go through it and seeing the frustration and anguish on their faces, is forever engrained in my memory bank. But it happened and I found myself in that place. Having to sit and watch someone you have sacrificed so much for, turn around and treat you coldly. Victimizing themselves to keep from taking accountability for the things they done or the situations they have put you both in. Blaming you. Not verbalizing it but it shows in their actions. People tend to show you how they feel about you, in the way that they treat you.
You try to be a “good” mate/spouse, but when does that cross the line of being an enabler or being codependent? I had to see my part in it. I realized that I was just as much to blame as he was. I kept taking it, I kept feeling sorry for him and accepting his lies and him halfway loving me. And at some point, a line must be drawn; boundaries must be set, and real decisions must be made. Because people are only going to do to you, as much as you allow them to. We were not put on this earth to be anyone’s personal doormats, emotional or physical punching bags, nor to be tormented. If a person is comfortable in living in dysfunction and sees no wrong and is unwilling to change, then you must take matters in your own hands and do what is best for you. No matter how much you love someone, you cannot force them to change. That is a choice that only them alone, will have to make and want for themselves. Never let someone use you or manipulate and guilt you into feeling sorry for choosing to be who they are and for the things they chose to do at your expense…. literally or figuratively.
Breaking the cycle of dysfunction can be challenging but not impossible. Sometimes separating yourself from the situation is necessary. In life, we tend to hold on to things that we should have let go of a long time ago. But we stay, due to trauma bonds that formed, or feeling like we deserve it due to past mistakes or transgressions, or not having a support system and no one else to turn to because that is all we have ever known, or out of fear of the unknown, or the opinions of others, or simply feeling like we have failed. But in reality, the only person that you have failed, is yourself. Never choose dysfunction over your peace.
Common signs of a dysfunctional relationship/marriage: blame, resentment, guilt, tension, frustration, hopelessness, emotional disengagement, grudges, disloyalty, boundary violations, fear of loss, constant conflict, or threats of leaving or abandonment.
Love isn’t supposed to constantly hurt; nor does it ignore your presence or mere existence. It isn’t narcissistic or shut itself on or off from you.
While writing this blog, God gave me the following analogy:
“You can’t expect a flower to grow and sustain itself or to live, if you do not water it, nurture it, cultivate the soil, give it sunlight, protect it or simply abandon it. Or only give it attention when it looks like it is dying. In some cases, you might be able to save it, revive it, and bring it back to life. And in some cases, it may be too late. You see the stems start to droop, and the petals start to fall, and the colors start to fade—but you ignored the signs…now the flower has died. There is no coming back. The soil is dry. The petals that were once vibrant and full of color, are now brown and decayed. The stems are wilted. It is too late this time…. Yes, you can get another flower—maybe several. But if you do not learn from what went wrong with the others, then the cycle will just repeat, and you will end up with a garden full of dead flowers.”
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