“Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence, And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, And uphold me by Your generous Spirit.” Psalm 51:10-12
Here we are in a new city, starting a new chapter of our life. It is always nerve wrecking, moving to a new place and having to start over. But we were optimistic and eager to get settled. Other than the extreme summer heat, and bit of culture shock, the scenery was beautiful. Over time, we started to adjust and learn our way around. In February, of the following year, my husband had to go out of the country for four weeks and when he returned, he was home for about two weeks and had to go away for another training. While he was gone, I was feeling ill at work one day, so I left early and went to an urgent care. After leaving the doctor, a guy was speeding through the parking lot and we collided. My car was wrecked, and my nerves was all over the place. Thankfully, there was no injuries, however, there was no one I could call that lived close by. Luckily, a soldier was in the area, at a nearby fast-food restaurant. He said he witnessed the entire incident and he wanted to make sure I was ok. He helped calm me down and stayed until the wrecker showed up to tow my car. I ended up riding home in the wrecker since my car had to be pulled to our home until the auto repair shop opened the following morning.
About a week later, my car was repaired, and my husband returned. But then everything started going downhill. My uncle and my father-in-law were both extremely ill, so we drove to our hometown in April, around Easter, to visit them. Sadly, my uncle passed away in May, so I flew back home to be with my family. My husband could not go with me because he was in “in the field” at another training. While there, my father-in laws’ condition began to worsen, so I ended up staying longer. While my husband was away, I would video chat with him, as often I could, so he could see and talk to his father. Around the beginning of June, I had to send a Red Cross message to my husband’s unit for him to come home as soon as possible. He flew in on a Sunday, and late that night, sadly, my father-in-law passed away. It was tough, having to go through back-to-back losses in our both of our families.
My husband had a hard time coping with the loss of his father, especially since he could not be there and spend more time with him. But his means of coping, was not healthy and it started to affect our marriage. Communication became nearly non-existent and it felt like a repeat of times past. We were basically living like married roommates. It got to a point where I had enough, and I told him that I was going to leave. He told me, “if I was going to leave, then leave.” I began buying boxes and started packing my things, little by little. I do not think he took me seriously. I started to look and apply for jobs in my home state. About a month later, I was contacted regarding an interview. By that time, I had almost everything packed except for my suitcases. I told him of my plans to leave later in the week and asked if he would at least go halfway with me because the drive was far. He asked, “Why would I help you leave me? So, a couple of days later I took my car to get serviced and when I got back home, I proceeded to pack. I loaded my car with everything I would need for the time being and whatever was left, I would come back and get later.
The next morning, I woke him up and told him, that I was about to leave. We said our goodbyes and I was on my way. I anxious because I knew it was a long drive (16.5 hours) and I had never driven that far alone before. At that point, I had to for peace of mind and my sanity. Plus, I knew I would not have to make many stops because my car is excellent on gas and gets great highway mileage. But something about this trip was different. I drove, the first couple of hours, in silence…...no radio; just the sound of my GPS; occasionally. Then I started to pray and talk to God and I ended up doing so the rest of the way. I made it safely to my destination and I was ecstatic and proud of myself because I never got tired. The job interview was another day away, but I honestly did not prepare for it like should have. And it did not go well. Mentally, my mind was all over the place and I could not concentrate. My anxiety was at an all-time high. When it was over, I just sat in the parking lot in my car, overcome with emotion.
For at least, two weeks, I rarely left my parents’ house. I did not feel like talking to anyone and I surely did not want to answer any questions regarding, why I was there. I just need time to gather my thoughts and figure out what I wanted to do next. I started to pray and talk to God more. While scrolling on social media one day, I came a video and the message that the pastor was preaching really touched me. It resonated with everything that I was going through, and it also shifted my perspective. And in the moment, God placed it in my spirit that everything was going to be ok. My husband was away at another training during that time, but that particular night, he called and for the first time, in a long time, we actually talked. I think he was in shock by the change in my tone and my demeanor. Because prior to that, our conversations were more like screaming matches; with one of us trying to talk over the other. But something was happening to me (spiritually), that I really could not explain. I talked to my bio-dad about it and he began to pray with me and give me understanding.
About a month went by and my husband was getting ready to return from training, so he asked if I would come back home. I did not give him an answer right away because we had already done that song and dance, many times before. I prayed about it and eventually agreed. He was supposed to fly down and drive back with me, but it did not work out as planned, so I just asked him to meet me halfway. As I got to our county line, I cried out to God and laid everything at His altar. I totally surrendered to Him and asked him to let me be the change that I wanted to see in my family and to use me as He will…..and the transformation began.
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