Healing

“Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved: for thou art my praise.” Jeremiah 17:14

In order for me to be made whole, God had to heal me, and in the process, He showed me everything that was broken— from my childhood to adulthood. There were things that were buried deep that I had to face and also things that needed to be fixed. Such as, my relationship with my biological father, grief/loss, and secret trauma. All of these things had created strongholds in my life, and I was not aware of it until God released me from them. We are all human and we handle things in many different ways, but if they aren’t properly dealt with, it can keep you stuck, both mentally and spiritually.

Loss & Grief….

I have lost many loved ones in my lifetime. It is never easy and something that you never want to get use to and oftentimes can be extremely difficult to get over. When I lost my grandparents, it was devastating and especially losing my grandmother because she and I were very close. From a very young age, I can remember going to church Mission Society and Usher Board Programs with her. I would be the only child in the car riding along with her and the other older ladies on the way to different church services. I was eager to go, and I think, over time, they had gotten use to me going with them because they never said anything about it. I reminisce over those times and I smile. There is a picture of me, I had to be around 6 or 7 years old at the time, with my little white shoes, matching white patent leather purse, colorful sundress, and my badge from one of the programs I had attended with them. One thing I can honestly say, is that in her own way, my grandmother tried to prepare us to live our lives here without her. She would always say that “I’m not gonna be here with y’all always,” so she we try to teach us things and show us how to be independent. She could be tough at times, but it was all in love. During the time when she was sick, me and my mom was in her room one day with her, and she called me over to her bed, and I leaned down close to her so I could hear her because I knew it was difficult her to speak very loudly. She didn’t have anything to say, but instead she kissed me on my cheek. I was caught completely off guard because my grandmother wasn’t very affectionate. She told me and my mom, “That no matter what y’all do, keep working for the Lord.” It took everything in me, in that moment, not to cry in front of her. My mom and I just looked at each other because we both knew what all of that meant and what it symbolized. When she left us, it hurt but I had peace, because I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt where she was going and that she was prepared.

In a previous post I talked about the loss of my twin babies and my best-friends. That was something that I struggled with for years because I didn’t want to let them go but I knew that I had to. When my friends passed away, I would go to the cemetery alone, a lot. My mom eventually suggested that maybe I should stop going as much, but in my mind that was helping me cope, or so I thought. But I took her advice and I scaled back because I knew it wasn’t healthy. I did not allow myself to grieve properly in neither situation and it had me mentally and emotionally stuck. I would often tell my husband that I needed grief counseling, but I neglected to follow through. Around this time last year, the healing process had already begun, and this was another shattered piece of my life that God had to make whole. One day, I was talking to God about some personal things in my life and He had placed it in my spirit to pray. As I began to pray, I could feel His presence all around me and soon these “natural” words left, and I began to speak in a language that only God and I share. It was a sacred moment and once it was over, I was compelled to speak to my babies. I apologized to them and I forgave myself for the guilt and blame I had held onto over the years. I Thanked God for giving them to me, even if it was only for a short timeframe, because what happened wasn’t anyone’s fault and for the first time, I felt peace. I will always carry them, as well as my friends, in my heart and I knew it was finally ok to let go.

Daddy Issues….

Growing up my Bio-Dad and I did not have much of a relationship. I did not understand it, nor did I accept it. I could never wrap my mind around it. My biological father felt like a distant relative……nearly a stranger. To make matters worse, I had another set of brothers and family that didn’t/don’t even really know me. I grew up feeling like I was collateral damage in a situation that I had no control of. It felt like my feelings were not even being considered. I used to express how I felt to my (maternal) grandmother a lot and she would always try to get me to focus on the positive; no matter what. She would often tell me not to harden my heart. There were occasions, when I was younger, that my Bio-Dad and I would see each other; maybe on my birthday or Christmas. As I got older, there were times when I would get invited to family functions……at the last minute and I was reluctant to go. It was nothing against my family but things between my Bio-dad and I was still awkward and rather than put myself in an uncomfortable situation, I’d prefer to just stay home.

When I turned 18, an apology was made to me and my mother, but it honestly did not feel genuine. At the time it felt more like he was trying to clear his conscience because the inconsistency was still there. As time went on, I buried my feelings about the situation and lived my life and not let it bother me but in actuality, deep down it really did. He was there for my graduations, for the tough losses I endured, and for all of my surgeries and I really appreciated that. Even though, I was an adult, I think we both knew that a conversation still needed to be had, but neither one of us really knew how to approach it. Around my late thirties, my Bio-dad and I started to talk a little more. It started with surface conversations, but as time progressed, I began to open up and share things about my life. For my 40th birthday dinner, for the first time, I had All of my parents in the same room and we actually had a nice time. Lots of laughter, no hard feelings or judgment...just support and I loved every minute of it!

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts. “ Isaiah 55:8-9

God has a way of bringing things full circle….

My Bio-Dad has played a major part in my spiritual journey. God is amazing! Getting closer to My Heavenly Father, brought me closer to my earthly father. We talk now about EVERYTHING…...life, spirituality, his experience in ministry and as a pastor, and even our past. We stay on the phone sometimes for hours, mostly about the things of God. I am so grateful for having his guidance through this process. Looking back, I wouldn’t have ever thought that we would have the type of relationship or bond that we have now. Being able to connect with him and share the things I have/are experiencing spiritually, has been a such a blessing. All we have is right now, there is nothing we can do to change what happened back then. Despite the fractured relationship had with my Bio-dad, I wasn’t deprived of having a father-daughter relationship. My Dad has been there ever since I was old enough to remember. He loved/loves me unconditionally. I am blessed to have Two Fathers, whom and love and respect EQUALLY. (I only used the term “Bio-Dad” in this post as a point of reference.)

Healing is necessary and can oftentimes hinder us from truly moving forward in life. Unresolved issues and pain from our past can sometimes consume us and keep us bound. With that being said there is one more major piece in this healing process……