“Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
When we deal with traumatic things in life; to escape the pain, we often suppress it or find other unhealthy ways to mask it……but the pain is still there.
One summer night, in 1998, I experienced the unthinkable……the unimaginable. I had given a guy (whom I had previously dated, a while back) a ride home. He asked if I would come in because he wanted to talk to me. I was hesitant to go because of a weird vibe he had given me the last time I was around him, which caused me to distance myself. But against my better judgement, I reluctantly agreed, plus there was someone else in another part of the house, so I went in. He sat on the bed and I sat on the chair. He asked if I would come sit next to him and I told him no. It did not take long to figure out that he had lied and had no intentions on talking to me. He started to undress, and I asked him, “What was he doing?” In my mind, I knew it was time for me to go. When I stood up to leave, he grabbed my keys. As we tussled over them, he was able to pin me down. At that time, my little five-foot frame, was barely 100 pounds, and he was way taller and bigger than me. I yelled for him to get up and let me go but he refused. My arms were pinned behind my back and he had all of his weight on my legs. He started tugging on my shorts, but he could not get them down. I was still fully dressed. I had on one of my old cheerleader summer camp outfits. I had only been out of high school a couple of years, so I could still fit them. The legs of the shorts were loose so (I want go into graphic detail about what happened next). At that moment, I knew what was about to happen and I could not believe it. I started to cry. I could feel the tears roll down my face and pool in my ears. Even the sight of my tears was not enough for him to let me go. The look on his face terrified me……it was demonic…..like nothing I had ever seen. Paralyzing fear took over…..I was in complete shock. I closed my eyes and instantaneously it felt like I had an outer body experience. I was looking down watching everything that was happening to me. I will never forget the look that I saw on my face…...it was haunting. When it was over, I opened my eyes, grabbed my keys, and got out of there as fast I could, and I
never looked back.
I got to my car—hysterical and in pain. As I drove away, I stopped twice to throw up. I was a mess and there no way I could go home like that. My dad had always told that if someone ever hurt me, he was going to jail I and I knew if he seen me that way, he definitely would….so I panicked. I stopped at one of my best-friend’s houses. By this time, it was late, so I went around the back and knocked on her window and asked her to come outside. I sat in my car and waited for her…..sobbing uncontrollably. None of my friends had never seen me cry so she knew that something was terribly wrong. I told her what had happened and immediately guilt, and shame set in. I was so hurt and confused. I could not believe he did that to me. We sat for what seemed like hours, until I able to calm down. Eventually, I got myself together, the best I could, and went home. She and I met up the next day to talk and by that point, anger had set in. I honestly did not know how I would react if I saw him. My thoughts were not good. Some time had passed, and he had the audacity to call my parent’s house one day. They were still oblivious to what happened because I did not have the nerve the tell them, so I just got the phone and went in my room. I said to him right off the bat, “You know you should be in jail for what you did to me?” His response was, “You didn’t try hard enough to make me stop.” No remorse; no apology. That was all I needed to hear. He knew exactly what he had done. I told him to never call this house again and I hung up. Every different emotion a person could possibly feel, I felt in that moment.
I was tormented for months with this secret, then tragically he eventually did it to someone else, but this time it was reported. I felt horrible because if I would’ve had told, back when it happened to me, then he would not have been able to do this again. But I also felt a little relief because I felt like this my opportunity to release this heavy burden. Unfortunately, she dropped the charges and moved away. And sadly, my secret remained. For years, my best-friend was the only person knew all of the details of what happened that night.
This is the First time that I have ever put that traumatic and horrific experience into words…...it was not easy to write this, but it was very necessary. There were several instances (prior to starting my spiritual transformation), where I felt convicted and wanted to share my story publicly, but I knew it would not be fair for my parents to find out that way. I carried this secret around for 21 years. When God started working on me, this was, by far, the biggest shattered piece of me that He helped me heal. I had made up in my mind that before the year ended, I was going to tell my family. On December 27, 2019, I sat down with my mom, dad, and my niece, who was becoming a teenager, and therefore it was important that she heard this. I did not give graphic details, but I got it out, and once I did, it felt like this huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. It was in that moment that I realized that that was something that had me spiritually and physically bound. I felt so free. But at the same time, I will never forget the look on my parents faces. I had planned on telling all of my parents and my brothers together, but it did not work out that way. So, in November 2020, I finally told my Bio-dad. We were having such a good conversation on the phone, and I did not want to bring the mood down, but I knew I needed to tell him. It quickly shifted from minister to daddy mode, which is understandable for any parent to hear something like this.
This situation messed me up in more ways than one. This happened a few months prior to me starting my junior year in college. I had just transferred back to my home state and was about to start a new school. It was hard to focus and my GPA dropped dramatically. School was pretty much a blur. On my graduation day, I wasn’t happy…..I did not feel the way that I thought I would and did not understand why. I had major trust issues—which greatly affected, the very few, relationships that I had after that, and unfortunately it carried over into my marriage. It shifted my personality. In public I would try to smile less, to keep anyone from approaching me; especially when your kindness had been taken for a weakness. It was a defense mechanism. To this the day, I still have 2-3 knives in my car and a taser and razor in my purse. I vowed that I would never let ANYONE do that to me EVER again…..I would die fighting. In a situation like that, it is easy to say, would’ve, could’ve, should’ve, but you will never know how you would react until it is your reality. Only a select few knew that I had been violated, but only my best-friend (who sadly passed away) and my husband knew all of the details. I carried that secret for half of my life mostly out of fear of being judged. I did not have the courage to speak up. I did not want to be looked at nor labeled a victim; even though I was. I shouldered the blame. I covered for someone who wasn’t even sorry….
I did not write this for sympathy, but to encourage others. No one EVER has the right to harm you or assault you in any type of way…...no matter who they are! Please speak up! It is NEVER ok. I Thank God for giving me the strength to tell my family and also to share this with the world. And I also Thank Him for giving me newfound peace.
Comments