Motherhood

My Fertility/Infertility Journey….

“And blessed is she that believed: for there shall be a performance of those things which were told to her from the Lord." Luke 1:45 KJV

1 in 8 women in the U.S. have trouble getting pregnant.12% of married women have trouble getting pregnant or have the ability to sustain pregnancy. The “natural” fertility rate is only 20%. By the age of 35, women are considered high risk. In addition, Infertility issues can also affect both sexes. — These are just a few statistics that are often given to those of us who, unfortunately, are included in those numbers.

The fertility/infertility journey can be lonely at times, especially when there aren’t many within your family or circle of friends, that can relate to the endless, emotional rollercoaster you are on. It can really take a toll on you mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. We (women) prepare ourselves to be mothers starting early on in childhood — playing house with tea sets and baby dolls. It is instinctual. It never occurs to you that you could, someday, be one of those women that you see crying on tv or read about in magazines, talking about this type of subject. But this is my reality….I have been in an ongoing battle with fertility/infertility issues for nearly 16 years. My journey began in August 2005. I was diagnosed with uterine fibroids and had my first myomectomy surgery two months later. After my surgery, the doctor came in a gave me photo of the tumors he had removed. He and I both were shocked at the at the amount; which was about 8. At my follow up appointment, I was told that I would have a 50/50 chance of being able to conceive naturally and the window of opportunity would decrease over time. From that moment I felt like I was in a race against my biological clock.

My first (and only) pregnancy occurred in 2008, which tragically ended in a miscarriage of twins. That was a very traumatic and heartbreaking experience, that I never want to go through again. I remember sitting in the waiting room for my follow up appointment and it literally felt like, someone had poured alcohol on the inside of my body. It burned so deep…. having to sit in a room full of expectant mothers or mothers with their babies, it was torture. For a long time after my miscarriage, I would not hold a newborn baby nor would I attend baby showers. I would send gifts, but I could not go. There are times when you are able to put on a happy/brave face and push yourself through the for the sake of others, but there are times, when you just can’t.

In 2010, I got married and along with marriage, comes ALL of the questions (when are you going to have a baby, what is taking you all so long, etc.) When you are single it is easier to dodge these types of questions, but when you get married, it seems as if there is an automatic or instant expectation, that a couple should immediately start having children. This adds extra stress to marriages, on top of everything else that comes a long when marriages are fairly new. My husband was aware of my prior struggles and new that this was a sensitive subject for me; therefore, he would take the lead and answer whatever line of questioning would come our way. When WE felt the time was right, we would do so.

In 2011, after over a year of trying, with no success, I reached out to an OB/GYN. She tried different fertility medications and eventually diagnosed me with having PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). I did not know what that was and had never heard the term before. After researching and learning more about it, it began to shed light on a lot of issues I had been experiencing (high blood pressure, ovarian cysts, weight gain and it caused my hair to shed; badly.) Medically, there is not a cure for PCOS, you just have to find ways to counteract the many side effects. In 2014, we were eventually referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (fertility specialist). He wanted to do his own test, so I had my first HSG, which was PAINFUL!!! I was told to take 6 Ibuprofens prior to the procedure, which was not enough to combat the pain. It was horrible! After all of his test, he told me that my left fallopian tube was blocked, which may “possibly” have to be removed, and he did see some fibroids. About a month later, we proceeded with surgery and by the Grace of God, nothing else, other than my fibroids were removed. The surgery went well, but the recovery was harsh. I asked if he could send me a pic of my fibroids and I had twice the amount that I had the first time. After my follow up appointment, my husband and I decided not to proceed any further with that doctor. We never go a warm reception with him. It felt like it was all about money and he kept pushing IVF, which was not financially feasible at the time.

There were so many other things going on in my life; I was stressed and overwhelmed. And on top of that, my infertility issues, were starting to affect me psychologically. I felt extreme guilt, shame, and less than a woman. I remember crying and telling my husband, that if he wanted to get another wife, I would understand because I did not want to feel like I was holding him back from having more children and that was not fair to him. I did not understand why my broken body kept failing me, no matter what I done. Plus, surgeries started happening back-to-back. In 2015, I had to have my gall bladder removed. There was a large gallstone blocking my bile duct. In 2016, I had to have an emergency appendectomy. When I went to my follow up appointment, the doctor asked if I had been told that I had endometriosis. I told him no, but I had other issues. He said that my appendix was covered in endometriosis and that I needed to call my OB/GYN and he would send my information over to him as well. I was in shock…. I could not believe what I was hearing. I did speak with my doctor about it and he explained to me that because of all of the previous surgeries, scar tissue and lesions will form, and it can be painful. And If he were to try to remove it, it would only cause more to grow.

In 2017, my fibroids had returned, in just a little over two years, and I was devastated. I talked things over with my husband, and we decided to go ahead and have them removed. However, this time things did not go as well as planned. My doctor came by my room after I left recovery and he explained to us that he was able to remove some of the fibroids, however, my bladder was fused to my uterus and he had to cut it to separate it. He also explained that I would have to wear my catheter home for another seven days after I left the hospital and return to his clinic to have it removed. At that moment I was done….no more surgeries! I could not take it anymore! A myomectomy is a very invasive procedure and the recovery time alone takes six weeks and now I had to deal with this bladder issue and a catheter. It took a while for my bladder to heal. And sneezing was the worse because if felt like my bladder was about to rip…. I would literally have to brace myself every time. Thankfully, it is better now. In 2018, I had another HSG done, and that time I was prepared. I took pain meds, and it did not hurt as bad. We did discover that both of my fallopian tubes were blocked but there were no plans at the time to do anything further.

Up until about three week ago, I hadn’t had any major issues, but then I got hit with the most excruciating pain, out of nowhere. The pain started intensifying so quickly, that it scared me. It radiated from my abdomen, down my right leg and to my back. I video called my husband immediately, and he did not answer. I was crying and asking God to help me, because at the point, that as all I could because I could not move. My husband called me back and I told him what was happening. We both felt helpless, because he is gone and all I could do was just lay here in pain. I was able to take some Motrin and lay on my heating pad until the pain started to ease. I told him that if it happens again, I am calling 911 or I am driving myself to the hospital because I have never felt anything like that before. Overall, this has been a long, hard road and I would not wish any of the pain that I have been through, the past 16 years, on anyone. It has not been easy.

Despite the minor setback, that I faced last month, I know that God is still in control. It took a lot for me to get to the place where I am at not now. I shared my story, in hopes that it may encourage someone else who may be facing something similar to what I have been through. And also to bring awareness to the struggles that a lot of women go through, most of the time in secret, because society’s standards can make you feel inadequate. Just know that everyone's journey to motherhood is not the same and you are not alone. Do what is best for You and Your Family. Your overall health is of the utmost importance. Surround yourself with positivity. Always remember that the condition of your womb, does not define who you are as a woman.