There have been several times in my life where my faith in God has been tested in ways that I could have ever imagined. In those moments, I felt hopeless, helpless, and even wanted to give up, but I held on.
"For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." Romans 8:18
After hurricane Katrina, in 2005, I became ill. I started to feel nauseous and extremely fatigued. I started getting bad back aches with very heavy bleeding. I noticed while brushing, I leaned against the sink and this sharp pain hit me. I talked with my mom and explained what was going on because I noticed that my abdomen had began to swell and it was painful for me touch it and it hurt to fasten my pants. A few weeks went by and the symptoms began to worsen, and I ended up in the ER. After several tests were ran, it was discovered that I had fibroid tumors. I immediately scheduled an appointment with an Ob/Gyn. During my appointment, he did an ultrasound to locate and measure the fibroids. He then proceeded to explain to me what they were and the options to remove them or have a hysterectomy. I remember looking at my mom across the room, in sheer terror. Everything was happening so fast and I was confused because there was no explanation on how long I had them, what truly causes them; I was just told that they could come back.
In October 2005, I had my first (of three) myomectomies, which is extremely painful and invasive. Everything went well, except for my breathing during surgery, but I healed just fine. During my follow up appointment, he explained that the tumors, more than likely would come back and if I wanted to have children, I should start right away because I only had a small window to do so. In that moment, my biological clock began to tick, loudly. I was only 26 years old, single, and now, I felt like I was racing against the clock. Fast forward to April 2008, I decided to stop taking birth control and give my body a break from synthetic hormones. Also, during that time, I had gotten a new job offer in another city. I was in a “situationship” with someone and he was well aware of my health issues and my decision regarding birth control. Once the birth control was out of my system and it started to regulate itself naturally, I finally got a menstrual cycle in June. But I did not get one in July. I did not really pay it any mind because I was moving and had started my new job. August rolled around and still, no cycle but I started having severe pains in my abdomen. The pain would be so bad that it would wake me up out my sleep. I was terrified because I thought my fibroids were back. I went to the ER; they did several tests and could not find anything wrong. I asked one friends who was from that are what Ob/Gyn did she use. She gave the name, and I made an appointment.
After my examination, the doctor came in asked when was the last time I had a menstrual I told him back in June and I asked if he could prescribe some birth control. He left the room to go get my pills, but he came back empty handed. He said congratulations, you are pregnant. I asked him was he joking, because I was just told a couple of weeks before at the hospital, that I was not. I was in shock and disbelief and on the way home, I stopped and bought more test for myself, and they all were positive. I told the dad and my parents, and we were all excited. When I went for my first ultrasound, I was able to see and hear the heartbeat. There was something else on the screen that appeared to have a heartbeat; the nurse and I told the doctor, but he said it was only one baby. I knew in my heart it was two. He gave my due date and it turned out that I was farther along than I knew.
On September 15th, I had another routine ultrasound, but this time it was at the hospital. I went alone because I was just supposed to be in an out and would not be there long. When the ultrasound tech turned on the machine, she said congratulations, you are having twins! I said I knew I was right! She turned the monitor on the wall so I could see them. She showed me baby A and baby B and she said that there were in the same sac which means they were identical. I could see their little frame had begun to form, but immediately, I knew was wrong because they were not moving. The look on her face began to change and became more serious. She said she did not see any activity or heartbeat, so she left to go and get the doctor. He came in and began pressing on my stomach, which felt like forever. After a few minutes, he asked if they could take me to another room. As I sat there waiting, it felt like the room was spinning. He and a nurse came in to talk to me. He explained that their hearts were not beating; there was not activity being picked up on the ultrasound. He told me they would contact my Ob/Gyn. I do not remember anything else he said after that…. I just wanted to get out of there.
When I got to my car in the parking garage, I immediately called my mom. I was hysterical and I yelled and told her that my babies were gone. I was screaming and sobbing uncontrollably. After I finally calmed down, I was able to drive home. Their dad was at work, so I sent him a message and told him to call me Asap. He came over and I explained what happened. My parents wanted me to come home and go see my old Ob/Gyn to get a second opinion. I agreed. I went to the doctor several times and each time my HCG levels were steady increasing, which was unexplainable because the babies’ hearts still were not beating. But I had no pain or bleeding. I was given two options, I could either wait for them to be expelled on their own or I could have a D&C scheduled. I knew that for me to let them come out on their own would be traumatizing so after the weekend past, I called and scheduled the procedure. On September 30th, I went in with my babies and left empty and more emotionally scarred than I even realized at the time. My heart was shattered, and I did not understand how or why God would give me my miracles and allow them to be taken away.
In December, one of my best-friends became ill due to pregnancy complications and was hospitalized. I remember us joking, months prior, about having joint baby showers and then everything changed for the both of us. I was on my way to see her one day and her brother told me that she was sick. When I seen her, I could tell that she was not feeling well, and she was not talking much. She told me that she had an appointment and I said that was good and I would call her and check on to see how it goes. Little did I know, that would be the last time that I would ever hear her voice again. Things went downhill fast. She was in the hospital for months and I would come home on the weekends to go see her. While visiting my friend at the hospital, my other best-friend’s mother was there, and she said she had told my best-friend about my pregnancy and that she was so excited and so happy for me. She told her mom to tell me that she said hello and that she loved me. (Just for clarity, I had two best-friends. Out of respect, their names will not be used.) I was so happy and shocked at the same time, because that was the first time in years that my friend had ever sent a message to me. I loved her and missed her so much but due to the situation she was in, our communication was severed. But that message her mom gave to me, gave me hope that maybe someday things could turn around and I would have my friend back.
Aside from visiting my friend, I was still having my medical issues. My body was not functioning right, so my doctored scheduled a laparoscopy around the beginning of March 2009. He said it would be outpatient with minimal pain and recovery time. After the procedure he gave me the results and said it was a small piece of tissue that was left from when the D&C was done, that was making my body think I was still pregnant. None of it made any sense to me, but he said that it should correct the problem in time. In addition, it was discovered that I do not do well with anesthesia because I ended up staying in recovery a little longer because my oxygen level dropped and the same thing happened during the procedure back in, the prior, September as well. On a brighter note, my best-friend able to go home from the hospital and I was overjoyed. Due to my procedure, I was not able to go and see her right away, but I was planning to go and see her as soon as I could. About two weeks later, she was admitted back in the hospital, but it was not related to her current condition, so it was understood that she would be released as soon as the issue was corrected.
On Sunday night, March 29th, I got a text message, I really did not understand it, but I knew something had happened. So, I called my mom and before she would tell me anything, she asked if my babies dad was there yet. I told her no. I could tell by the sound in her voice that something was wrong and whatever it was, it was bad. She gave news that I always feared I would get. She told me that my other best-friend was gone. My already shattered heart felt like it was trying to leave my body. I cried and asked God, how much more do I have to take? The city that I was living in was about an hour away from my hometown so my parent’s, could not be there right away, so they had already called my babies dad and asked him to come over to be with me. They were hoping that he would make it there before anyone else told me the news. He was walking through the door as talking to my mom. The next day I drove home to go and be with my friend’s family. I went back home later that day, so I could go and request some days off. The following day, March 31, while on my lunch break, I get another phone call from my mom, with more bad news. I said please do not tell me something has happened to (my other best-friend) and she said, yes…. she is gone. I could not say another word. I was completely numb. I mustered up what little strength I had left and made it to my manager’s office. As I began to utter the words, I fell apart on. I was on her floor weeping. She closed the blinds to her office and tried her best to console me. I was completely broken, the remnants of what was left of my heart was gone. Everything that meant the most or was the closest to me in this world was gone. I lost my babies and both of my best and closest friends that I ever had within 6 months!
Never in a million years, would I have ever guessed that all of that would be happening to me at the same time. I do not even have the words to describe how I was feeling. No one could have ever made me believe that I would be sitting there, at my parent’s kitchen table, typing out both of my friends’ obituaries. I prayed and asked God to shut off all the pain I was feeling so I would be able to get it done. Once everything was over and my friends were laid to rest, I was in a very dark place. I could not work; I could not function. I just wanted to lay down and go to sleep and not wake up anymore. Losing my babies was the worse pain, I have ever experienced in my life and losing my friends was something would have never expected to happen, so early in life. At the time, I was not the biggest Christian, but I had sense enough to pray my way through. I had to pray hard and I had to pray daily for God to give me peace, because I really thought and felt like I was going to lose my mind. But He kept me!
